In continuing with my new indefinite “project” of interviewing my friends about their own takes on mental health and whatnot, today’s subject is a woman by the name of Shalome.
And here you all go:
1.Like me, you sometimes go by different names (Emma, Shay, etc.). Are you sometimes ashamed of having a "weird" real first name (like I am)? Or is it just more convenient to go by "easier" names sometimes? For the record, I think Shalome is a nice name, but I remember seeing someone make fun of your name right to your face, so dealing with that kind of stuff must be hard sometimes, right? Or are you not self-conscious about it?
I really love this question, I feel so seen.
I do feel a lot of shame and confusion around my name. The thing that bothers me most is that I feel like I can't answer the question of how I got my name without divulging my whole family's history and religious beliefs. My name is a very religious and spiritual word, so it doesn't really pave the way for a fun, casual conversation when I first meet someone. Usually, the first time I meet someone they ask me if I'm Jewish. So within seconds of meeting new people I have to dive right into a conversation about religion. It can be uncomfortable for them and is definitely uncomfortable for me. I don't judge people though, I might do the same thing if I were in their shoes. Most people are genuinely curious and don't mean anything by it. I've also had one Jewish person assume that I was Jewish and start talking to me about temple and their traditions like I would know what they were saying, and then I had to be like "sorry I don't know what that means." Cringe.
The story of how I got my name won't make sense to most people. If you were raised in an evangelical/born again type of environment, you might get it. But for most people - if I were to try and tell them that my dad named me because of a vision he had during prayer - it raises more questions than answers.
My family on my dad's side is very religious/spiritual in different ways. My dad's dad is very much an evangelical born again Christian type of person. His ex wife, my dad's mom, quite literally was a medium who believed she could speak with the dead and specialized in communicating with the virgin Mary.
My mom's side of the family is also Christian, but in more of a happy hippie sort of way, where they believe that Jesus taught about love and sharing your belongings, and they feel like he would have been a feminist had he come to Earth today.
As you can probably guess, there was somewhat of a culture clash between my mom and my dad's side of the family, primarily because of religion and the different ways that they interpreted the bible and also used their religion. Without diving into the tragic backstory too much, I'll just say this: one side of my family used their faith to shame me, make me feel small, and make me feel lost. The other side of my family used their faith to encourage me, lift me up, and make me feel important. I'll let you guess which was which.
I was the first born kid/grandkid on either side of the family, and though my dad named me, I think that my name reflects a lot of the complicated religious history on both sides of my family.
A name is a central part of someone's self identity, but it can be hard to feel like I can embrace my name or fully connect with it, because it carries so much baggage and that can feel heavy - especially when I'm just trying to casually introduce myself to someone.
When most people ask me the meaning behind my name, I just tell them that I do have Jewish heritage and my parents wanted to honor that, which is also true (my mom was close with her Granddad, who was Jewish, though he disavowed his faith and became a resolute atheist during WWII - see, I told you the religious history of my family was complicated!).
It was hard, especially in adolescence/early adult hood, to not worry too much about wishing I was more "normal." I thought it was deeply embarrassing that my family was so involved with religion and spirituality in such an open way. But the older I get, the more I realize that religion and spirituality are important parts of human culture all over the world, and practicing some sort of religion or believing in something bigger than ourselves is actually pretty normal and is sometimes just part of being human. I've kind of come full circle and have been more comfortable lately with praying or exploring spiritual practices without worrying that it's weird. I also don't care quite as much anymore what other people think. If people want to judge me for having a complicated name, there's not much I can do about it, and I just try to tell myself now that other people's opinions aren't really my problem.
However, I will say this - I use Emma or Shay at Starbucks because it truly is just easier and faster. These baristas are already too busy, they don't need me to be standing there like "Yeah so it's S-H-A..."
Last thing I'll say about my name is that it's a lot easier to introduce myself in professional circles than social events. At a professional meeting, I introduce myself, and we move on. Done and done. It's kind of great.
2.Another thing we have in common is that you tried blogging several years ago, but kinda gave up on it due to criticisms and whatnot. Have you ever thought about trying it again? Possibly under one of your pseudonyms this time, to avoid that sorta criticism directly?
I might do that! I do really love writing, especially fiction. But my propensity is to actually write more about stuff I want to get off my chest - it usually ends up being political.
My biggest fears about writing for the pubic again is that I won't be able to stop myself from writing negative, angry articles - and I'm not sure how that really benefits anyone. I used to think I was sharing my ideas about justice and creating positive change. But when one of these articles blew up, it didn't feel like it was making people's lives better. It just felt like it was ruining my life and barely affecting other people's lives. I wrote to connect with people and feel like I was finding my place in the world. But my brush with "fame" (not really) left me much more brokenhearted and untethered than I believe I would have been had I decided not to publish. People left hundreds of angry comments and one person even wrote a counter-article talking about how much my words had hurt her feelings. I felt terrible about that. I took that to heart, and I learned my lesson, and I stopped publishing my work.
The thing I miss most about blogging isn't watching the number of readers climb up on my Medium stats page (though that was fun). It was actually the Facebook messages and texts that I would get from friends who had read my work after it went live. Some of my life's most treasured memories are those of friends and family saying that I encouraged them, or that my words brought them comfort in some way, or helped them feel less alone. It was great to hear that I could affect people's lives in a positive way.
I have been thinking lately about if there's anything I can do to balance my public writing life - maybe I only release the positive stuff, and keep the more angry rants to myself. Maybe I'll have a trusted friend or family member read my stuff before I publish it, so they can be the angel on my shoulder guiding me in the right direction, and those mishaps don't happen again. Maybe I'll just use a pseudonym, or it might be a combination of those three methods. I'll let ya know!
3.Not too long ago, I interviewed your husband Ken. I've noticed over these last several years that you both have a lot in common, but also a lot of different interests as well. Would you say some differences like that are actually healthy for a relationship?
Absolutely! I think it helps us learn from each other. We've been together a long time now, almost exactly 9 years, and what I've noticed is that there are some things that we have in common, and it's those things we talk about the most often, like we both love music and we have similar music taste most of the time. Then there are some things we don't have in common but we can potentially be interested in them, and we can show each other new skills/hobbies, like I taught Ken how to sew and Ken introduced me to Anime. And it can be fun to learn those things from each other. But the reality is that Ken's not going to sew as often as I do, and I'm never going to watch as much anime as him, and that's fine. Then there are some things that we don't have in common and they're just going to be our separate hobbies and that's fine too. Like Ken will watch hours of videos about technology - for fun. Couldn't be me. I would guess he's the same about crafting. I would love nothing more than to spend a whole day making greeting/birthday cards by hand. In another life I run an Etsy for it. I don't think that would exactly be his thing (though I'm sure he'd be very good at it).
Ultimately I think it's all about finding ways to spend time together while also knowing that if you need your own personal space or want to explore some new hobby by yourself sometimes that's fine too.
4.Have you ever tried journaling, and if so, has it proven to be as effective for you as it has for me? If not, what other coping mechanisms for day-to-day life do you have, if any?
I definitely journal! I love journaling. I find it so important. I usually journal with a physical pen and paper rather than on my phone, which I find so grounding. It forces me to slow down a little and think about what I'm writing. And I find that if I can really put into words what's bothering me, even if it takes a long time to figure it out, the path forward usually feels much clearer, and I usually feel a little better after I journal.
For a good five years my other coping mechanism was watching Parks and Rec on repeat. There is something so incredible about the writing on that show. It helped me not focus too much on my worries and just move forward with my day - e.g. I could fold the laundry without wondering "what's the point of folding all this laundry??" And falling into a depressive spiral - as long as I could fold laundry and watch parks and rec.
I never ever thought I would see the day, but I finally got sick of rewatching the same thing over and over again and now I'm just lost in this big world once again with no comfort show. But journaling is great. I'll always have that. It just takes a little more work and intention than putting on my comfort show.
5.Anything else you'd like to share as we wrap up here?
Thanks for having me on your blog! I think this series is such a great idea. This was very fun, I feel like I learned a lot about myself just in answering these questions!
Peace!
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