Learning to be ok with my name and not beat myself up for rewatching Parks&Rec

  In continuing with my new indefinite “project” of interviewing my friends about their own takes on mental health and whatnot, today’s subject is a woman by the name of Shalome.

And here you all go:

1.Like me, you sometimes go by different names (Emma, Shay, etc.). Are you sometimes ashamed of having a "weird" real first name (like I am)? Or is it just more convenient to go by "easier" names sometimes? For the record, I think Shalome is a nice name, but I remember seeing someone make fun of your name right to your face, so dealing with that kind of stuff must be hard sometimes, right? Or are you not self-conscious about it?

I really love this question, I feel so seen. 

I do feel a lot of shame and confusion around my name. The thing that bothers me most is that I feel like I can't answer the question of how I got my name without divulging my whole family's history and religious beliefs. My name is a very religious and spiritual word, so it doesn't really pave the way for a fun, casual conversation when I first meet someone. Usually, the first time I meet someone they ask me if I'm Jewish. So within seconds of meeting new people I have to dive right into a conversation about religion. It can be uncomfortable for them and is definitely uncomfortable for me. I don't judge people though, I might do the same thing if I were in their shoes. Most people are genuinely curious and don't mean anything by it. I've also had one Jewish person assume that I was Jewish and start talking to me about temple and their traditions like I would know what they were saying, and then I had to be like "sorry I don't know what that means." Cringe. 

The story of how I got my name won't make sense to most people. If you were raised in an evangelical/born again type of environment, you might get it. But for most people - if I were to try and tell them that my dad named me because of a vision he had during prayer - it raises more questions than answers. 

My family on my dad's side is very religious/spiritual in different ways. My dad's dad is very much an evangelical born again Christian type of person. His ex wife, my dad's mom, quite literally was a  medium who believed she could speak with the dead and specialized in communicating with the virgin Mary. 

My mom's side of the family is also Christian, but in more of a happy hippie sort of way, where they believe that Jesus taught about love and sharing your belongings, and they feel like he would have been a feminist had he come to Earth today. 

As you can probably guess, there was somewhat of a culture clash between my mom and my dad's side of the family, primarily because of religion and the different ways that they interpreted the bible and also used their religion. Without diving into the tragic backstory too much, I'll just say this: one side of my family used their faith to shame me, make me feel small, and make me feel lost. The other side of my family used their faith to encourage me, lift me up, and make me feel important. I'll let you guess which was which. 

I was the first born kid/grandkid on either side of the family, and though my dad named me, I think that my name reflects a lot of the complicated religious history on both sides of my family.

A name is a central part of someone's self identity, but it can be hard to feel like I can embrace my name or fully connect with it, because it carries so much baggage and that can feel heavy - especially when I'm just trying to casually introduce myself to someone. 

When most people ask me the meaning behind my name, I just tell them that I do have Jewish heritage and my parents wanted to honor that, which is also true (my mom was close with her Granddad, who was Jewish, though he disavowed his faith and became a resolute atheist during WWII - see, I told you the religious history of my family was complicated!). 

It was hard, especially in adolescence/early adult hood, to not worry too much about wishing I was more "normal." I thought it was deeply embarrassing that my family was so involved with religion and spirituality in such an open way. But the older I get, the more I realize that religion and spirituality are important parts of human culture all over the world, and practicing some sort of religion or believing in something bigger than ourselves is actually pretty normal and is sometimes just part of being human. I've kind of come full circle and have been more comfortable lately with praying or exploring spiritual practices without worrying that it's weird. I also don't care quite as much anymore what other people think. If people want to judge me for having a complicated name, there's not much I can do about it, and I just try to tell myself now that other people's opinions aren't really my problem. 

However, I will say this - I use Emma or Shay at Starbucks because it truly is just easier and faster. These baristas are already too busy, they don't need me to be standing there like "Yeah so it's S-H-A..." 

Last thing I'll say about my name is that it's a lot easier to introduce myself in professional circles than social events. At a professional meeting, I introduce myself, and we move on. Done and done. It's kind of great. 

2.Another thing we have in common is that you tried blogging several years ago, but kinda gave up on it due to criticisms and whatnot. Have you ever thought about trying it again? Possibly under one of your pseudonyms this time, to avoid that sorta criticism directly?

I might do that! I do really love writing, especially fiction. But my propensity is to actually write more about stuff I want to get off my chest - it usually ends up being political. 

My biggest fears about writing for the pubic again is that I won't be able to stop myself from writing negative, angry articles - and I'm not sure how that really benefits anyone. I used to think I was sharing my ideas about justice and creating positive change. But when one of these articles blew up, it didn't feel like it was making people's lives better. It just felt like it was ruining my life and barely affecting other people's lives. I wrote to connect with people and feel like I was finding my place in the world. But my brush with "fame" (not really) left me much more brokenhearted and untethered than I believe I would have been had I decided not to publish. People left hundreds of angry comments and one person even wrote a counter-article talking about how much my words had hurt her feelings. I felt terrible about that. I took that to heart, and I learned my lesson, and I stopped publishing my work. 

The thing I miss most about blogging isn't watching the number of readers climb up on my Medium stats page (though that was fun). It was actually the Facebook messages and texts that I would get from friends who had read my work after it went live. Some of my life's most treasured memories are those of friends and family saying that I encouraged them, or that my words brought them comfort in some way, or helped them feel less alone. It was great to hear that I could affect people's lives in a positive way. 

I have been thinking lately about if there's anything I can do to balance my public writing life - maybe I only release the positive stuff, and keep the more angry rants to myself. Maybe I'll have a trusted friend or family member read my stuff before I publish it, so they can be the angel on my shoulder guiding me in the right direction, and those mishaps don't happen again. Maybe I'll just use a pseudonym, or it might be a combination of those three methods. I'll let ya know! 

3.Not too long ago, I interviewed your husband Ken. I've noticed over these last several years that you both have a lot in common, but also a lot of different interests as well. Would you say some differences like that are actually healthy for a relationship?

Absolutely! I think it helps us learn from each other. We've been together a long time now, almost exactly 9 years, and what I've noticed is that there are some things that we have in common, and it's those things we talk about the most often, like we both love music and we have similar music taste most of the time. Then there are some things we don't have in common but we can potentially be interested in them, and we can show each other new skills/hobbies, like I taught Ken how to sew and Ken introduced me to Anime. And it can be fun to learn those things from each other. But the reality is that Ken's not going to sew as often as I do, and I'm never going to watch as much anime as him, and that's fine. Then there are some things that we don't have in common and they're just going to be our separate hobbies and that's fine too. Like Ken will watch hours of videos about technology - for fun. Couldn't be me. I would guess he's the same about crafting. I would love nothing more than to spend a whole day making greeting/birthday cards by hand. In another life I run an Etsy for it. I don't think that would exactly be his thing (though I'm sure he'd be very good at it). 

Ultimately I think it's all about finding ways to spend time together while also knowing that if you need your own personal space or want to explore some new hobby by yourself sometimes that's fine too. 

4.Have you ever tried journaling, and if so, has it proven to be as effective for you as it has for me? If not, what other coping mechanisms for day-to-day life do you have, if any?

I definitely journal! I love journaling. I find it so important. I usually journal with a physical pen and paper rather than on my phone, which I find so grounding. It forces me to slow down a little and think about what I'm writing. And I find that if I can really put into words what's bothering me, even if it takes a long time to figure it out, the path forward usually feels much clearer, and I usually feel a little better after I journal. 

For a good five years my other coping mechanism was watching Parks and Rec on repeat. There is something so incredible about the writing on that show. It helped me not focus too much on my worries and just move forward with my day - e.g. I could fold the laundry without wondering "what's the point of folding all this laundry??" And falling into a depressive spiral - as long as I could fold laundry and watch parks and rec. 

I never ever thought I would see the day, but I finally got sick of rewatching the same thing over and over again and now I'm just lost in this big world once again with no comfort show. But journaling is great. I'll always have that. It just takes a little more work and intention than putting on my comfort show. 

5.Anything else you'd like to share as we wrap up here?

Thanks for having me on your blog! I think this series is such a great idea. This was very fun, I feel like I learned a lot about myself just in answering these questions!

Peace!

Top 5 "Desert Island Albums"

  The other day on Reddit I came across an interesting question: “If you were stuck on a desert island and can only listen to five albums for the rest of your life, which would you choose?” Figured I’d list out my choices on here, and elaborate on each. Before I begin, however, allow me to stress that these are NOT my favorite albums of all-time (you can find those here if you’re curious), but rather the five that I feel would be most effective if I could never listen to anything else ever again. There’s a difference…

With that out of the way, here you go:

Honorable Mention: Led Zeppelin - Mothership (2007)

This was a close-call for me, as this box set includes most of the band’s best work. Alas, I’m just not as big of a 60’s/70’s guy as I am an 80’s/90’s guy.

5.Outkast - Big Boi & Dre Present… Outkast (2001)

Yes, even a big rock fanatic like me needs to still listen to some rap every now and then, and everyone who knows me can tell you that Outkast is my favorite hip-hop group, by far. Not sure why. I guess Big Boi and Andre 3000 compliment each other well, yet also contrast each other well, if that makes sense. Either way, if I could only listen to one of their records again for the rest of my life, their greatest hits (a.k.a. Big Boi & Dre Present… Outkast) simply makes the most sense to me. Random aside, but Big Boi did a free show near me back in 2013, but I didn’t go, cause I was still a snobby rock purist back then. I missed out…

4.Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium (2006) - isolated guitar tracks

Once again, anyone who knows me can tell you that the Chili Peppers are among my favorite music artists ever, so if I could only keep one of their releases, their big double album Stadium Arcadium is a no-brainer for me. That said, if I could have it my way, I would take just the isolated guitar tracks from this entire album, cause I feel like I should have at least one instrumental entry on this list, and guitarist John Frusciante basically created an entire new universe with his guitar on this album (no offense to the other members, cause they’re all still great too). I suppose the songs themselves on here don’t have as much range as they could, but the guitar alone is so good that it makes up for it.

3.Guns N’ Roses - Use Your Illusion: Super Deluxe Edition (2022)

This was my first favorite band, so they had to show up on this list somewhere just for nostalgia alone. The 1991 double album Use Your Illusion has a lot of range, in terms of song styles and whatnot, and the 2022 box set expansion comes with two complete concerts that include some interesting covers, live renditions of Appetite for Destruction classics, etc. Both shows also have a lot of contrast from one another. New York 1991 is very raw, and features Shannon Hoon from Blind Melon on some songs, while Vegas 1992 is long and “bombastic” (mainly thanks to the backing musicians that were part of the band that year). Honestly, though, this album was always gonna make the cut just for “November Rain” alone (and the updated version on this box set in particular is pretty awesome, not gonna lie).

2.The Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie & the Infinite Sadness: Deluxe Edition (2012)

Another 90’s double album (and a box set expansion of a double album, on top of that!). When it comes to range, I don’t think I’ve ever heard more of it than on this album right here. You get soft songs, hard songs, weird songs, short songs, long epics, acoustic guitars, electric guitars, piano, synths, orchestra, and so on. James Iha even sings on here, and the whole band sings on the end of the main album. The whole thing really takes you on quite a journey!

1.White Zombie - Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (2008)

Most of you are probably shocked that this is my #1, but let me explain! I need heavy music to function. Heavy music is like caffeine for my ears, and when it comes to heavy stuff, White Zombie is my favorite, by far, and this box set right here contains their entire catalog (all the albums, b-sides, etc.). Honestly, I could probably survive on just the 1995 album Astro-Creep: 2000 alone (I listen to it almost every day on my way to work), but I might as well have this right here, since it’s an option!

So there you have it! Mostly 90’s stuff (or 90’s adjacent), but I guess that should be expected, coming from me. I also wanted to include the Kiss Alive! box set from 2006, as Kiss is another one of my favorites, but even a diehard like me can admit that a lot of their songs sound the same. I’m sure artists like Hendrix and Sabbath also have a good box set or two. Oh, well…

Peace!

Related: List Repository

Metaphors & Being Hands-On: A Mental Health Conversation

  So in continuing with my new “phase” of interviewing my own friends about their experiences with mental health/ self-improvement/ coping mechanisms, today’s subject is a man by the name of Mike.

And here he is:

1.In all these years I’ve known you, I notice that you tend to speak in metaphors/ analogies quite a bit. Would you say that doing so allows you to “process” your thoughts better? Or have you never just thought much about it?

It's difficult to make a sentence that doesn't express a relationship between two things. I mean, at its essence, it's kinda true - how does a subject relate to an object? The dog barks. The cat jumped, afraid. The server is offline because the disk is full. These relationships always seem to reduce, but as they reduce, they start to share and overlap. A server with a full disk is a pigeon that can't fly because it ate all the rice; the sysadmin didn't account for the files expanding and the pigeon never thought the rice would either. Growing up, that TNG episode, Darmok, may have really struck me just how little actual language we need, to communicate an idea. I've had conversations with gestures with people who spoke no English, and I've always felt an idea more fully communicated when the relationship inside the analogy 'clicks' - so many more 'aha' moments where these technical ideas are distilled until they are simple. I believe there are very few complicated ideas; only complicated relationships, each one a complex of simpler ones. Although I really do rather prefer to speak without analogy - each word we have is a tool that applies a specific function. And although we can apply a great many solutions with a hammer, those words end up as banged and marred as the hammered bolt. But no, I don't think of it as a way to process my thoughts, so much as a way to amplify my signal. If I say something technical and follow up with an analogy, to me it's like speaking a passage with an American Sign Language speaker standing next to me.

2.Another thing I know about you is that you like to “get your hands dirty” with arts & crafts type hobbies/ projects (mainly woodshop stuff). Do you find those activities to be “therapeutic” in some way? Or do you just do them for the sake of doing them?

Oh, hmm. I think there's a hunger I feed with it - not being wealthy, owning a home almost demands a collection of new skills a mile wide and an inch deep. So I'd say the home itself is the hobby project. And yes, I get to 'tinker' with a great many things - a wood shop, a welder, and many gardening tools. But I know there's no purpose for it - if I don't do those activities there will be little effect, short of patching a hole in the roof or caulking a hole bugs can ingress. So then, why? And the answer, to me, is that we can speak through our hands. Our hands can listen. They experience the world very differently than the eyes and ears. And many of us have these IT jobs, where our hands are hostage to a keyboard, a type of hamster wheel. When I give myself a need to dig a hole, or lift a woodstove off a trailer, I get to experience a different world through my hands. Parts of my brain get to grow. I try. I fail. I get angry. Eventually I might succeed. The reward feels just as good as writing a working program. The other thing of interest to me, is I get to observe how patterns from working with computer code will show up when I do a home project. The way in which I sort plywood is a type of literal analogy, if you can forgive the oxymoron, that I realized when writing a computer program that stacks two dimensional arrays of numbers. And now I can cut so many pieces of wood with barely any effort, because I had to think about this thing that exists as a fiction written in electrons. I get a lot of pleasure when I see those connections form. Everything is a relationship between two things.

3.I recall the other day you were reading my journaling tips and noted how you would like to try writing in cursive, if you ever try journaling. Have you ever attempted journaling in the past? Has it helped you at all if so?

You know we have been watching these Marvel movies, and lately, each universe has a 'nexus' character that binds everyone together. My friends have called me that, and I have 25 years of gmail on the same account, corralling friends into conversations, events, gossip, talking about people, things, ideas. And in there, a very, very healthy portion of emails from me, to myself. Ideas, venting, forced stream of consciousness brain dumps, and contemporaneous notes for me to rediscover some day. I don't really go through the past - it's all in there, but nostalgia is one of the worst drugs. I don't think I can take the mantle of journaling officially; but I have scents of it, heavy some years, light the others. As for cursive, I was quite bad at writing cursive in grade school. In college, I invented my own 'fonts', somewhere between print and script, but it was truly my elective year of Russian my junior year of college that undid any desire to ever write it myself ever again. So if I said I wanted to try writing in cursive, I'm sure I was inveigling you to encourage you! I can't stand it, too many loop de loops!

 

4.Another thing we both have in common is a love for “geeky pop culture” of the likes of superheroes and whatnot. Do you consider that stuff to be a form of “escapism” for any particular aspects of your life? Or do you just watch that stuff for the sake of watching it?

Superheroes. The McDonald's slop dinner of cinema. We all love it. Like a greasy burger. They invented a genre, or maybe just promoted one, but it became the eminent movie theme a quarter of a century ago. Whether it keeps plugging along for another 10 is anyone's guess - I think generative AI, even with the scaling limitations we're starting to see, is still 'good enough' to completely disrupt how storytelling is experienced. Someone on Reddit this very night quipped, "DVDs killed VHS; Streaming killed DVDs; what kills streaming?" Some answers were, "streaming kills streaming - have you seen how much it costs lately?" But I think individualized storytelling, with another 10 years of hardware improvements, will see us experiencing stories where we are part of the movie. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be entertaining. My money is that it will satisfy most people, most of the time, to fundamentally change how we experience entertainment. With that picture in mind, I would say, that's the kind of escapism that could unravel us. What kind of scares me, what brings out my own brand of paranoia, is waiting for the day a phone app can real time speak to you in your ear bud, see your world enough to react to it - and feed you ideas on how to interact with it. If there were to be software out there that could suggest how to escape reality, using reality as the backdrop, a shared reality at that - would that not concern you, too? Escapism scares me, full stop. And superhero movies bore me. At this point I watch it cause it's there, just like I'd eat a big mac if it was going to the trash ... but I wouldn't go buy one!

 

5.Anything else you’d like to say as we wrap up here?

Well, thanks for having me on. I've been a fan of your blog for a while and I've been enjoying you try different angles, calibrate, and just grow as a writer. So it's a real honor - I wasn't ever expecting to get an invite like this so I'm honored, truly!

Peace!

Endurance & Expression: A Mental Health Conversation

  So continuing with my post from the other day, I decided to continue interviewing my own friends about their perspectives on mental health, self-improvement, coping mechanisms, etc. Today’s subject is a fellow sometimes-writer by the name of Tom!

Enjoy:

1. I know you well enough to know you’ve been through quite a bit. Losing loved ones, having to help take care of others, and so on. To put it simply: What keeps you motivated through stuff like that?

Two things:

First, I remember watching a YouTube video a long time ago where a computer repair man explained a philosophy of his that's really helped me in life. He said that a little known secret is that technically, at any moment, you can do whatever you want as long as you're willing to accept the consequences of it. Reflecting on that fundamental freedom is part of what's helped keep me grounded in difficult times, because it's a fast way to confirm my heading or, if necessary, reorient myself.

Say I'm responsible for someone else and have to take care of them, like you brought up. That can feel very limiting or even imprisoning. Okay, so when I'm feeling that sensation of being imprisoned, what do I do? I consider my freedom. Technically, I could walk out the door and leave all those responsibilities behind. But what are the consequences? Do I actually want to do that? I care about that person who I have to take care of. I love them. So of course I don't want to walk out on them. That reveals to me that the feeling of limitation or imprisonment is in service of my true feeling and, while painful, must be endured.

On the flip side, let's take a lighter example and say I'm watching a movie in a movie theater. I'm not enjoying the movie about an hour into its two-hour runtime. Despite the low stakes, I get that same feeling of imprisonment (albeit less intense). Then, I remember: I'm free to do what I want as long as I'm willing to accept the consequences. What are the consequences of getting up and leaving and finding something better to do? Well, I might annoy some people around me as I get up in the middle of the movie, but hopefully I can be careful about that. It might be a tad awkward to walk out of the theater in the middle of the show, but will anyone in the audience or any of the staff actually notice or care? Probably not. I'm not that important. With that, I realize I'm willing to accept those consequences rather than sit there for another hour. Finishing the movie isn't in service of my true feeling, which is to enjoy my time, so I leave and maybe endure a few grunts from people as I slip out.

Second, as nihilistic as it sounds (and I really don't mean it in a nihilistic way but it can be read as such), sometimes you have to realize that things just don't matter nearly as much as you think they do in a given moment. Take it as you will, in either a King Solomon "this too shall pass" way or a Charlie Chaplin "life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot" way or any other way you'd like. The truth of the matter is that every moment, mundane or dramatic, happy or sad, is really happening, and you have to take the bad with the good. And sometimes you have to suck it up to take the former.

2. Like me, I know you like to journal a lot, but your process seems way more “stream of consciousness” than mine, and doesn’t seem to follow as strict of a routine as my process does. What would you say are the pros/cons of your process vs mine?

I think stream of consciousness journaling and your method, which, from reading your tips for journaling, sounds more like picking flowers or collecting seashells or maybe even playing whack-a-mole in the case of intrusive thoughts, address two different modes of thought (among many modes, no doubt). Sometimes thoughts are like streams or rivers or even oceans, and sometimes thoughts are like flowers, seashells, or pop-up moles. I think whatever may be construed as an advantage or disadvantage of one or the other depends entirely on which mode of thought one wants to address.

This morning, I started my journal entry by describing my dream, which is normally how I begin. In this case, it was about how I found myself working in my current job with old dorm residents. Three pages later, I finished on a thought of how I should look up if my old high school economics teacher had retired yet or not. The beginning and end points have next to nothing to do with each other, but the pathway between them flowed from one thing to another, and I ended up exploring some regrets and insecurities of mine along the way. This flow allows me to bridge disparate thoughts and explore things from unexpected pathways and, hopefully, reach some closure or insight.

I actually used to do your mode of journaling more, but more recently, I've found that something's changed in my thought process, and I don't think...quickly (not sure if this is right word) enough for that anymore. Don't get me wrong; random thoughts and ideas and feelings flitter in and out of my mind all the time, but I don't feel compelled to write them down like I once did. I don't know what to attribute that change to. Nowadays, it feels more natural to get pulled along by a thought and see where it leads me.

3. In all these years I’ve known you, you’ve never struck me as someone who lets regrets get them down like I do. Would you say that’s true? How do you personally deal with regrets, if you have them?

I don't know if it's strictly true that I don't let them get me down, but I think I'm becoming a less regretful person over time.

I have a lot of memories of things I've done that I regret--weird interactions, treating people badly, not being honest about something, etc. Sometimes, similar to you, I have very sharp flashbacks of these things that elicit equally sharp responses, especially me repeating a phrase either in my head or aloud like "I quit. I quit. I quit." because I want the memory to stop. Normally, when I have one of these encounters--especially when I encounter the same regretful memory multiple times--I make a point of writing down everything I can remember about the situation surrounding the memory. Sometimes that can be very painful, but it often leads to some catharsis on the subject. Sometimes, as I write and explore these regrets, I realize that, were something like them to happen today, it really wouldn't be that big of a deal. Sometimes, that's not the case, but I'm often able to reach a conclusion or a level of closure that lets the memory drift away, and it becomes less frequent until it vanishes altogether. Sometimes that requires an apology or an admission or an atonement. Whatever way it goes, it's a sort of exorcism, and I do whatever I feel necessary to get it out of my system. Slowly, but surely, I'm dwindling the supply of these regrets.

Another thing that helps me become less regretful over time is appreciating how silly regrets are. I think most people find it fairly easy to be skeptical of predictions about the future, and I think this is because most people innately realize the fragility of such predictions. But people, myself included, often lend more credulity when these predictions are projected backwards. A regret, in essence, is wishing for a different outcome to a past event. But imagining a different outcome to a past event is, if you're willing to get a little Christopher Nolan-esque with me, projecting into the future from that past point in time. Our minds like to play a trick where, because the event already happened, we believe a different (and better) outcome is certain if only we did x or y or didn't do z, but in reality it's as uncertain as making predictions about what will happen tomorrow or the day after or next month or next year. In this way, I think I've come to acknowledge how fundamentally silly regrets are, and it makes them easier to fade away over time. How do I know what would have happened if I'd done anything differently? I don't. How certain am I that my memory of the situation is even the full truth of whatever transpired? I'm not. So who am I to regret what happened?

4. Another thing we have in common is that we both like to write fiction, sometimes. Would you say that artistic hobbies like that also help with mental health? If so, why?

I've come to view art much differently lately, and I'd go as far as to say that I think creation is necessary for good mental health, not just conducive. I think art speaks to truth, and when people don't take the time to speak to truth, it can be as bad as living a lie. I would write more here, but honestly, my thoughts on this are still newly formed and in early development, so if I started writing, I would probably end up rambling even more than I have above.

5. Anything else you wanna say as we wrap up here?

Some vague advice based on my own experiences (because that's all I'm entitled to speak about (also note, I'm not a medical professional)).

With respect to mental health, for a long time I lived my life under the impression that if I could just think "better" or think the "right" thing or way, I could cure myself of my mental health issues, but there aren't really any problems in the world that can be fixed by doing the same thing as the problem itself. You don't fight fire with fire (sorry, Metallica); you throw water on it. Similarly, I couldn't mentate my way out of a mental problem. I needed to emphasize feeling and doing. Thought has its place and is a wonderful tool we have at our disposal, but when the problem is itself thought (mental health issues; that is, issues that manifest mentally), thinking some more about it probably won't help.

That's all. Hope this was an enjoyable read!

Peace!

Abroad at Home: A Mental Health Conversation

  Trying something new on this blog, for a change. Been getting more interested in mental health/ self-improvement lately, so I thought it’d be fun to “interview” at least one of my friends and get their perspective on the subject. Thankfully, my friend Ken was up to the task!

So without further ado, here’s my interview with Ken:

1.Like me, you grew up living in different countries. How much would you say that has informed your personality?

On one hand it really shaped my character. On another, it didn't at all. 

No matter what country I was in, I was always an outsider. People's comments and the way they treated me made it very evident. I could argue that regardless of other people's opinions I belonged to multiple countries, but I will not. 

The truth is that I am different than what any cultural stereotype could describe. I can't be boxed into classifications. 

The best way to describe it is that I am from myself, not really from any country. It makes me less biased and more independent in some ways. 

2.We've talked about both trying to become more introspective as we age. On that basis, when you think to yourself and are deep in thought, do you process thoughts in English or Spanish? Does it depend on the topic? I only ask because English isn't your first language, so I'm curious. Do you process thoughts in English more now that you've been here in the states for over a decade?

Many of my thoughts are based on feelings. If I feel guilt, for example, sometimes I don't think in a language but rather on emotion. 

But, for the times when I do think in a sort of inner monologue, English has become more prevalent. I think this happened even before I moved to the states. I went to an American high school abroad and so I was made to think critically in English. 

From time to time I do think in Spanish, but I do so more intentionally to remain in touch with my roots. 

3.We've also both talked about struggling with having bad flashbacks that could stem from any point in our pasts. When that happens to you, what kind of "reactions" do you have? Do you twitch, curse out loud, etc. like I do? If so, what's your coping mechanism(s) for that, if you have any?

Sometimes bad memories come rushing in. 

They can involve times I screwed up or times when I was wronged by people. I tend to tense my body when this happens. I sometimes also blurt something out loud. Funny enough, I sometimes blurt a random word that has nothing to do with the memory. 

My best response for these events is to understand what is the category of the memory I had. 

1)They are a memory of something I have already resolved internally and I need to move on. 

2)I still haven't found the answer as to what I should have done or felt so I need to meditate about it. 

4.Do you think being semi-international plays a role as to why you have bad flashbacks from all over your past? I only ask because I think that's a big factor as to why it happens to me, at least.

I think the main reason I have flashbacks is because I care about not just ignoring my problems. I want to grow from them so I tend to think a lot about what I can do better. 

That being said there are a couple memories that relate to being international. Not everyone takes kindly to foreigners, nor do they always understand that you can look different and not be a foreigner. 

I simple words - racism, xenophobia, and lack of being cultured have led to bad experiences. 

5.Journaling has become the thing that has helped me the most in recent times. Have you tried journaling? Does it help you at all too? If so, do you have any unique journaling methods you would like to share?

I'm glad you have a way to channel your feelings and help ease yourself. Outputs like that can be very powerful. I haven't tried journaling, but if I ever come up with a good lesson during my meditation sessions, I write it down as a quote in small notebooks. 

These are usually short, one to two sentences, quotes. But it's satisfying to practice my handwriting when jotting them down and using different pens from my collection. 

Although not journaling exactly, if you write down your lessons like me, it helps to know that what you are writing down doesn't have to make sense to anyone reading it, just to you. 

6.Anything else you’d like to add as we wrap up here?

Thank you for having me. I would just like to say to anyone out there that is struggling with their own unique issues -  your determination to strive for a better situation and your ability to open up to people you trust are the two greatest things that can help you come out on top. 

Peace!

Specific Tips for Journaling

  Not too long ago I blogged about journaling and how beneficial it has become to my well-being in recent times, so I figured I should now take things a step further and detail how exactly I journal, in case it helps anyone out there who may be trying to get into it more. I will also include a screenshot from my own journaling at the bottom of this post, as a visual aid…

No further introduction needed, so here we go:

Start with small notebooks

The smaller the notebook, the less intimidating the act of journaling itself will be. Holding a rather large notebook in your hands may feel daunting, whereas a smaller notebook may feel like something that can be filled out rather quickly (because it can). Completing your first few notebooks quickly and seeing them getting stocked on top of one another in a short amount of time may help you to stay motivated to journal longterm. Pocket-sized notebooks also have the convenience of being more portable, of course.

Skip every line between sentences

So if I had to guess, you’ll eventually run out of small notebooks and start having to fill out larger ones that you find around your home. No sense in wasting money on other small notebooks when you have plenty of big ones that haven’t been used yet, right? Well, when you eventually get to this stage, and still feel intimidated by normal, non-pocket-sized books, simply do what I do and start skipping every line between your sentences. Nobody ever said you had to fill our every line, after all (assuming you’re even using lined paper to begin with). Alternatively, you can simply skip every other line, even if your sentences are long enough to take up more than one line at a time. The handwritten version of “double spacing,” if you will.

Bullet-points/ incomplete sentences is fine

By skipping every line between sentences, you’re already doing a form of bullet-journaling, sorta. Therefore, I would argue that forgoing grammatical-correctness and simply writing in incomplete sentences is fine. More than fine, in fact. By prioritizing incomplete sentences, you’re allowing yourself the opportunity to get thoughts “out of your system” faster. Who cares if the writing itself is hard to follow? Nobody is gonna read your journal other than you anyways, most likely. Heck, you don’t even have to read back through old entries (I almost never do).

Try writing in cursive

A long time ago, someone encouraged that I write in cursive “to make writing more fun.” I started doing so, and never looked back. As this old friend of mine had said, writing in cursive is just simply much more fun. Plus, as another friend of mine from around that same time had said, it’s “a dying art.” As far as I’m concerned, we might as well all start writing in cursive just for the sake of keeping the art alive, so to speak.

Use a good pen

Going into journaling with a shitty pen is like going into battle with a shitty gun. Personally, I’m partial to Pentel RSVP, fine-size, but you do you! My dad is really into fountain pens. I gave those a try, and they’re not my thing, but maybe they’re yours. More power to you if so. Make sure you rotate between pens on a regular basis, though (the ink in them gets dry fast than you think). Pencils are cool too, of course.

Start your entries by noting daily things

While I personally feel it’s important to journal at least a little every day, I understand that some days are more “journal-worthy” than others. Because of this, I always like to start my entries by making note of a few things that are “constants” in my day-to-day life: How many hours of sleep I got the night before, the number of days since I started my diet (gotta stay motivated for that shit somehow), and what I plan to eat throughout the day. As the day itself progresses, I also like to use my journal to keep track of how many friends I text throughout the day (usually like 10-15, as I’m fortunate to have made a lot of good friends over the years). UPDATE: Lately I’ve also been noting whatever main activity I plan to do each day (even if it’s just something simple like watching TV), and have also been reminding myself on a daily basis that “the only important thing in life for me is just to survive in the present moment.”

Regrets/ worries (“that’s what journaling is for”)

Now this is the real “meat” of everything that I’ve been trying to accomplish by journaling as much as I do now. I mentioned in my last journaling-themed post that I struggle with two things in particular; regretting the past, and worrying about the future. I usually make note of that at least once per day in my journals. Sometimes I go into details about whatever specific worries or regrets I may be experiencing in that moment, but most of the time I just simply write something like “having regrets again this morning.” Either way, I always, and I mean always, follow this up with the following sentence: “But that’s what journaling is for.” UPDATE: Lately I’ve been feeling nostalgic for my parents’ homeland (which I visit most summers), so every day now I write a quick sentence about the thing I miss most from there on that particular day. I also make sure to (at least vaguely) write about at least one regret every day now, as well as one “second-hand embarrassment” moment.

Noting reactions to bad flashbacks

This may not apply to everyone reading this, but some of my past regrets are so bad that it causes me to have distressing “reactions” (twitching, cursing at the top of my lungs, etc.). That said, I’ve noticed that ever since I started journaling daily over this past year or so, I haven’t been having these sorta reactions as much, and I think I large part of that is because I journal about them. Again, I’m usually pretty vague, and just write something like “had a couple of reactions as I woke up this morning, but I think they’re getting less frequent still, so that’s good at least.”

Noting current events

Even though I don’t like reading back through old entries, whenever a major event happens, I like to write it down, just for the sake of turning some of my entries into “time capsules,” of sorts. As I’m sure you all know, a lot of unprecedented events have been happening in the world recently, so I’ve been jotting down current events more than usual…

Stream-Of-Consciousness

This probably goes without saying, but when I can’t think of anything else to do, I just write whatever comes to mind, without really thinking about it. Sometimes I write about other tasks I might do later in the day, but it doesn’t always have to be that.

…Well, that’s it! Hopefully at least some of this helps someone out there…

Peace!

PS: I know there’s a stigma against straight men who journal, but that stigma seems to be fading, so pay it no mind! Also, it’s okay to have numeric goals (like “I’m gonna finish this notebook by this date”), but make sure they’re realistic goals, so that you don’t stress yourself out!

Related: My Favorite Distractions

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